I'd never really experienced anything that shattered my world as much as losing our first child. We found out about our honeymoon baby only about a month and a half after we'd gotten married, and couldn't have been more excited to be expecting. We shared the news with friends and family, and they were thrilled for us as well. About a month later when I went to get an ultrasound, we never expected for there to be no heartbeat on the screen. It was devastating, confusing, and the hardest thing I'd ever had to walk through. I remember Andrew playing his guitar in the living room, both of us just crying but in the middle of it all still worshiping God. We weren't sure of any response other than that. Deep sadness- but still leaning on him and trusting when everything felt so hopeless. Miscarriage affects different people very differently, but I'd wanted to be a Mom so badly. It was so difficult. All of my close friends were either mothers or were pregnant so I felt completely alone.
I know there are plenty of women who have lost children- but very few people in my circle ever acknowledged understanding my pain or shared their own story of loss with me. That's always really bothered me. I don't ever want to go through anything in my life and not let it move me towards God and move me towards connection with other people. I never want to waste my trials by turning inward and making a situation all about me. If you're that Mom who needs someone to talk to today, please reach out to me or someone else that you trust. If you know of a Mom who could use encouragement today, please share this with them.
I want to end by sharing some hope with you, because the paragraph above isn't the end of our story. Regardless of your beliefs, I know this to be true about God: He loves to take a sad story and give it a happy ending. That's one of the things I love most about Him. There is a light shining through in even the darkest of nights. One day He will fix the world we live in and restore Creation back to the way He intended for it to be. No sickness, no death, no tears. My dark night seemed VERY dark, and I was tempted to not even try to have another baby because of the fear that I would find myself disappointed again. I decided then that I wasn't going to let fear control me. I was going to give this another shot. A year exactly to the day I miscarried my first child, we celebrated my baby shower and the life of our son Isaiah. I can't tell you how meaningful it was to have those days coincide. God was reminding me that even when things seem the most hopeless, still there is hope!!! If you are in the dark night right now, suffering with no end in sight, just know that where you are is not the end of your story. We've been blessed with three children, and I am only five years past that difficult experience of losing our first baby. I never could have imagined the story God would-and still is!- writing with our lives.
When I walk through difficult things I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not alone. Plot twists will always be a part of life, but I plan to keep my eyes on God and allow him to fight my every battle.
Encouraging Verses for Difficult Times:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
"He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10